dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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