insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
