So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
