she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
As shirtless as possible
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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