All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
