Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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