Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
