i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
