I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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