It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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