BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
