YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
