i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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