I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
