I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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