when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
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why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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