If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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