I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
