On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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