she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I understand Curling. That high.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
