At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
