i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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