What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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