ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I cut my penus on the lid.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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