Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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