i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
