so let's talk penis.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
