i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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