Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
