after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
