I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
