I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
