I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
