Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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