At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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