we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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