Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
