Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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