Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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