I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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