I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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