wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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