Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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