My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
