i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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