I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
