I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
