I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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