i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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