The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
