Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
