Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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