Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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