someone threw a dead crab at me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
