miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
