u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
