Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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