I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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