dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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