Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
