If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
