Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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